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18 March 2009 @ 12:01 pm
 Title: Edward Cullen and the Human Experience
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: M (adult themes)
Category: Fluff, Humour
Spoilers: Twilight
Summary: When had biology class become so… practical? Edward experiences the "joy" of his first sex ed class. 
Author's Notes: This is set at the start of Twilight, before Edward and Bella are officially dating. I warn you now, this is ridiculous and incredibly out of character... but I enjoy nothing more than putting Edward Cullen in awkward situations, so I had to write this. Thank you to smirky_turkey for the dirty banner and peer pressure encouragement!

Edward Cullen never thought he’d be so eager to experience the twisted, blissful torture that biology classes had come to provide.

But he found it increasingly difficult to control his gait, fighting hard to pace each step as he headed towards the obligatory afternoon lesson. He focused his attention on maintaining an acceptably human speed in an effort to quench his newfound, inexplicable excitement.

He failed miserably.

As he sauntered down the hallway, Edward discreetly redirected his steps to follow a specific, pre-planned path towards the biology labs. The minute shift in his course was subtle, but the angle of approach gave him an unobscured view through the classroom door and to the workbench he shared with Isabella Swan.


The mere thought of her name had Edward accelerating forward, impatient to catch a glimpse of her… to get his first fix for the day, like a junkie suffering withdrawals.

She was already seated in class, completely oblivious to her surroundings as she fiddled with the top right corner of her notebook, before dragging her fingertip along it’s spiralled spine. She slouched forward and propped an elbow on the desk, her chocolate brown hair spilling over her shoulders as she rested her chin in the palm of her free hand. Edward watched her exhale slowly, his ears catching the quiet sigh that escaped her lips.

The urge to smile was absurdly irresistible, and Edward mustered all of his strength to keep his face as smooth and casual as possible. But his human façade faltered for the briefest of moments, giving way to an uncontrollable fervour as he darted forward, striding over the threshold in a colourful blur.

As he entered the room, Edward silently willed Bella to look up - to meet his gaze - but she kept her head low, absently flicking through the pages of her notebook. He slowed his movements as he walked across the front of the classroom, suddenly weighed down by an illogical, overwhelming sense of disappointment.

And then he stilled completely.

It was a reaction to one of the most basic vampiric instincts – to absorb all surroundings, gauging and accessing even the tiniest modifications to one’s environment. And Edward was suddenly very aware of the unfamiliar details tainting his peripheral vision. Though his direct gaze never strayed from Bella’s face, he could detect the slight differences from the corner of his eye – the faint change in colour and light against the walls, the shifted positioning of the educational charts and flyers.

Unnerved by the ominous alterations and eager for further inspection, Edward eventually tore his attention away from Bella to glance at the front of the classroom.

A large diagram of the male reproductive organ greeted his eyes.

He froze, horrified, as his golden orbs surveyed the length of the blackboard; the usual, monotonous posters of parasites and cell forms had been replaced with images so indecent that Edward had to avert his gaze.

He instead looked to his classmates, who were huddled in groups and consumed with idle chatter or trivial gossip; not one of the students seemed overtly fazed by the new “artistic” additions to the biology lab. There were no shocked exclamations in their thoughts, no outraged or offended tones.

Mike Newton swaggered into class a moment later, pulling up beside Edward; he took one look at the blackboard, broke into a smirk and let out a long, suggestive whistle.

‘All right, all right! Take a seat,’ Mr. Banner said grudgingly, stepping around the two boys at the front of the room and heading towards his desk. He carried a large cardboard box in his arms, struggling with the weight of it’s contents – Edward could tell it was some kind of fresh produce from the sickening, repulsive smell.

He grimaced as he headed to his seat, with Mike Newton still chuckling immaturely behind him.

‘Is that to scale, Mr. Banner?’ One student called out mischievously, pointing to the drawing on the blackboard. The boy’s call earned a high five from his biology partner, as the class erupted in laughter. Edward scrunched his face in disgust. He quickly looked at Bella and was relieved to see her glazed expression as she traced the edge of her notebook with a slender finger. He was strangely grateful that her absent-minded temperament had spared her from such immature, crude humour.

‘Yes, yes. Very funny,’ Mr Banner replied gruffly. ‘Let’s try to be mature about this, shall we?’

Agitated and confused, Edward didn’t think to greet Bella as he dropped into the seat beside her. ‘Is this some kind of joke?’ He asked tersely, dropping his books onto their shared desk with a thunderous resonance.

Bella jumped, head snapping up at the sound of his voice. ‘Uh… sorry?’ She stammered.

Edward felt a wave of guilt wash over him as he examined Bella’s helpless face, disgusted to think that his harsh attitude had startled her. He tried to soften his expression as he nodded his head towards the front of the room, silently answering her query.

Bella followed his gaze to the obscene, chalk drawn diagram on the blackboard. He watched her eyes widen, blood creeping up her face and staining her cheeks with a light crimson blush. ‘Oh, god.’

Edward shook his head minutely. Exceptionally unobservant, he thought incredulously, wondering how she’d missed the posters on her way into class.

Bella let out a tortured groan, covering her face with her hand. ‘I forgot we had sex ed this week.’

Edward’s eyebrows knotted together in confusion. ‘Sex Ed?’ he asked slowly, trying to read the agonized expression hidden behind her hands. He quickly glanced at the blackboard and back again. ‘Sex Ed… as in… sexual education?

Bella cringed and gave a small nod.

As if on cue, the lights went off and the class endured an embarrassingly detailed educational video on safe sex. Edward remained motionless throughout the thirty-minute presentation, his posture stiff and his face set in a permeant cringe as he watched the images on screen. He wavered only once, moving his head and glancing to his right to gauge Bella’s reaction; she shifted uneasily but kept her eyes fixed on the front of the room, evidently determined to avoid his gaze. Edward’s hands clenched tight under the table as he returned his attention back to the movie, a small frown pulling at his lips as he attempted to block out the graphic thoughts of the students – specifically the males - around him.

Edward didn’t move again until a flood of florescent lighting illuminated the classroom. The sound of tentative chatter replaced the uncomfortable silence, as Mr. Banner stood up and opened the box on his desk, pulling out a ripe, yellow banana.

The class howled with laughter as each piece of fruit got distributed, and all Edward could do was look on in bemusement.

He considered the medical knowledge and first-hand experience he had acquired over the countless decades of his existence. He recalled his hazy understanding of the human reproductive system and even filtered through all of his academic endeavours, from high school to university. But he was unable to comprehend how a piece of fruit could possibly relate to any kind of educational subject matter… much less sexual education.

Mr Banner proceeded to hand out square, foil-wrapped packages to each student, then returned to the front of the room, awkwardly gesturing to the fruit and… condoms. ‘Well, uh… get to it.’

And Edward finally understood. He stared down at the banana on his desk with a pained expression, silently wondering if even the worst deeds of his vampire past deserved this kind of humiliating punishment.

He felt Bella move beside him and, eager for a distraction, he watched her pick up the wrapped foil and struggle to tear it open. She fought with the stubborn packaging for a good twenty seconds, before yanking at the plastic with all of her strength. Her elbow collided with Edward’s bare forearm, and he flinched away before she could register the coolness of his skin.

‘Sorry,’ Bella apologised, misinterpreting his reaction.

Edward closed his eyes for a moment and, with a heavy sigh, held out an open hand in the space between them. She blinked at him, confused.

‘Allow me,’ Edward insisted, pushing his discomfort aside in favour of old-fashioned chivalry. Not wanting to give her a chance to protest, he swiftly snatched the packaging from her hand, ripped it open and dropped the exposed condom back into her palm in a matter of seconds.

‘Oh,’ Bella said, still blinking up at him. ‘Uh… thanks.’

Edward nodded and returned to his own fruit and latex combo with disdain. When had biology class become so… practical? Perhaps it was merely a stunt on behalf of the educational system, a “sex sells!”-style last resort to maintain student interest and engagement in schooling. Pandering! Edward thought, exasperated. It was like a scene from one of the countless, distasteful teen comedies that Emmett seemed to favour.

Edward considered this in dismay… perhaps such fictional representations were indeed correct? Mere reflections of the common occurrences found in contemporary biology lessons?

He turned to Bella, curiosity getting the better of him. ‘This can’t be normal, right?’ Edward asked, trying to keep his tone playful, as if making an off-handed joke.

Bella glanced at the banana in her hand, before letting her eyes travel up to Edward’s face. ‘Do you mean the way it curves-’

No,’ Edward replied hastily, mindful to clear up any confusion or innuendo. ‘I was just unaware that this-’ he poked at the piece of fruit with contempt, ‘- would be on the course curriculum.’

‘Technically it is biology,’ Bella replied, and Edward scoffed silently. She procrastinated, rolling the banana in her hands, before looking up at him with an awkward attempt at a smile. ‘Haven’t you ever sat through a sex ed lesson before?’ She nodded to his clenched fists on the table. ‘Anyone would think this is your first time.’

Edward exhaled slowly – he could tell she was joking by the teasing note in her voice, but didn’t have the strength to lie to her. He remained silent.

Bella’s expression turned serious as she surveyed his face. ‘Is it?’

He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. ‘I guess I must have missed those other classes.’

Bella blinked, and then gave an indignant sniff. ‘I suppose that’s what happens when you ditch to go hiking.’

Edward smiled to himself. If only you knew…

They remained silent for the next few minutes, neither touching the bananas on the desk. Bella scribbled a few dot points into her notebook and then rhythmically tapped her pen against the page, while Edward clutched the edge of the table and risked a few tentative gulps of air. He glanced at the students around him, watching as they giggled carelessly with their lab partners. He felt a pang of jealousy.

Bella eventually let out a resigned sigh, her warm breath tickling the skin of Edward’s arm as she lent forward with a sudden determination. She grasped the banana firmly in her left hand. ‘Let’s just get this over and done with.’

Mimicking her movement, Edward grabbed the piece of fruit off the table. ‘Right,’ he agreed, grabbing the foil packet and ripping it open. He grimaced as he extracted the thin latex ring and unceremoniously jammed it onto the tip of the banana, ignoring the air bubbles and wrinkles that appeared.

‘I think you’ve got it inside out,’ Bella instructed him softly.

He groaned in frustration and pulled the plastic off again. Not letting go of the banana, Edward risked a sideways glance in the hope of witnessing some helpful direction; his eyes followed Bella’s delicate hands, mesmerised as they glided the plastic sheathe down the banana in one smooth, skilful motion.

Edward’s imagination ran wild against his resolve. His mind’s eye began playing out fantasises he didn’t think he was capable of creating, the mental images so desirable and vivid that he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Distracted, he took a long, deep breath and Bella’s intoxicating aroma burned down his throat, adding fuel to the fire igniting his body. He tried to swallow the venom pooling in his mouth, but choked, letting out an uncharming, spluttered cough.

Bella looked at him with wide eyes. ‘Uh… you crushed your banana.’

Her voice pulled him from his trance, and Edward looked down to see the mushy remains of the fruit squished between his fingers. He wiped them on his jeans, knowing that Alice would have a fit when she saw the soiled designer clothes.

‘That’s a firm grip you’ve got there,’ Bella said awkwardly, slightly awe-struck as she eyed the puréed remnants of banana.

That’s what she said! Edward closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as Mike Newton’s silent thoughts penetrated his mind.

‘Do you need a hand? It’s just… well, I’ve done this before-’ Bella started, giving a slight shrug. Edward blinked at her and, after a moment, her eyes went comically wide. Realising the suggestion in her earlier words, she quickly attempted to make amends. ‘No, not like that! What I meant was… I did this at my old school… as a biology exercise.

‘Right,’ Edward mumbled, unable to stop the smile suddenly tugging at his lips.

Bella shifted on her stool, clearly embarrassed by the conversation. ‘I just meant I can help you if you’d like… it’s not that hard.’

That’s what she said!

Edward glared at the back of Newton’s head.

‘Here,’ Bella offered, handing over her own fruit.

Edward hesitantly accepted. He picked up the dreaded piece of latex once more and pinched it over the banana, beginning to roll it down in a hurry, desperate to be finished with the degrading activity.

‘Careful,’ Bella whispered and, without warning, her fingers breezed over Edward’s wrists and slid over the top of his hands. He froze instantly, but she didn’t flinch away from his icy touch. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles, urging him to keep moving – her composed exterior, contrasted with the giddy thrill that ran through the pit of his stomach as he registered their close contact, momentarily amazed him.

But despite her professional and mature demeanour, he could hear the furious pounding of her heart against its ribcage, he could see the blood colouring her cheeks.

Edward concentrated on holding his breath as she gently guided his hands down the rest of the banana, her warm fingers lacing frivolously between his own. And when the condom was securely in place, they both stilled, neither moving away. Edward listened as her breathing became quick and shallow, watched as she tentatively bit the bottom of her lip. Filled with a sudden flare of confidence and curiosity, he silently debated turning his palm over and entwining their hands further. All he had to do was move, inch slowly into Bella’s grasp. His fingers twitched longingly at the thought…

‘Teamwork? Excellent!’

They both jumped at the sound of Mr. Banner’s voice, recoiling their hands from each other. Bella flushed bright red, while Edward smoothed his face into an emotionless stare as he fixed his eyes on the front of the classroom.

‘Wonderful, partnership! Just what I wanted to see,’ Banner exclaimed, beaming at the pair before stumbling to the table in front and telling off the students for improper use of the condom. ‘It’s not a balloon, Newton!’

Edward clenched his hands into tight fists on top of the table once again. There was an awkward beat, an uncomfortable silence, before his eyes darted sideways. ‘Thank you.’

Bella seemed to understand. ‘You’re welcome,’ she replied awkwardly, looking down and playing with the sleeves of her shirt. ‘I’m beginning to think you had he right idea all along, though. Remind me to ditch the next time we have sex ed.’

A slight smile spread across Edward’s lips. ‘Deal.’

When the bell finally rang, there was roar of noise as students scraped their stools along the floor and started filing out of the biology lab, excitedly discussing everything from the lesson to plans for the weekend. Bella and Edward stood up together and wordlessly made their way to the exit.

‘Are your hands always that cold?’ Bella asked suddenly, as they reached the front of the classroom. Edward stiffened, but didn’t answer. ‘You should probably buy some gloves.’

‘Exactly!’ Banner called out, apparently overhearing snippets of their conversation from his desk. ‘I’m glad you both took something away from this lesson. You know what they say: no glove, no love!’

Mortified by the misunderstanding, Bella gave Edward one last horror-struck look before hurrying out of the room, stumbling over the threshold on her way.

‘Thanks, sir,’ Edward said, flailing to hide the sarcasm in his voice as he watched Bella disappear into the sea of students.

‘It takes two to tango,’ Banner offered with a shrug, before returning his attention to the banana and condom clean-up effort.

Exasperated, Edward rolled his eyes to the ceiling as he exited the room and made a mental note to join Bella in ditching any sex ed lessons in the future.

Current Mood: stressedstressed
tainted_jojotainted_jojo on March 18th, 2009 03:20 am (UTC)
This was amusing and awkward. I thoroughly enjoyed it. =)
let's dance, douchebag!: twilight || edward and bella.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:18 am (UTC)
Yay, glad you liked it!
handsdowntoohandsdowntoo on March 18th, 2009 03:26 am (UTC)
That was cute. I totally cracked up when Edward said that the school system was pandering. Hilarious.
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || how to be.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
dear liza, dear lizaijkliza on March 18th, 2009 03:30 am (UTC)
This was hilarious.
I loved it. :)
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || dick in a box.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
Thank you :)
patty22: robert pattinson laughingpatty22 on March 18th, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
this was really funny!
thank you for sharing,it's great!
let's dance, douchebag!: twilight: edward || the bad guy?xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:19 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks! Good to hear you enjoyed it.
Tularia - Elf Mistresstularia on March 18th, 2009 03:33 am (UTC)

Oh man, that was great!
Thanks for letting us be a fly on the wall. :)
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || delightful.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:24 am (UTC)
Hee, thank you! :)
jennlynnfs: Twilight: RP in sexy turtleneckjennlynnfs on March 18th, 2009 03:49 am (UTC)
LOL! That was great!

I loved the awkward tension you captured in the banana condom rolling part where Bella was helping Edward. You captured that really well.
let's dance, douchebag!: twilight || meadow.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:25 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!
oh my god, hannity's a bottom: LOLfalsifiability on March 18th, 2009 03:52 am (UTC)
Hee! I'm never one to turn down a good 'that's what she said' moment, so this was delightful.
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || delightful.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:26 am (UTC)
Haha, thanks!
ATWTFanForeveratwtfanforever on March 18th, 2009 03:53 am (UTC)
LMAO. Loved it. Is this a one shot?
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || eloquent.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:33 am (UTC)
Thank you!

Is this a one shot?

I originally intended to make this into a series... or more of a "collection" of little one shots involving Edward having awkward human experiences. But I'm not sure if I'll go ahead with that haha, I get pretty lazy with writing!
Andrea: Wentworth - LOL!spoiled_andrea on March 18th, 2009 04:04 am (UTC)

And teh_smirk's banner is just perfect!*g*
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || eloquent.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:35 am (UTC)
Haha I'm glad you liked it!

Oh man, smirky_turkey made the banner to "inspire" me LOLOL. It defs served its purpose!
glitter on my face: b/w bella/edwardjetset_life81 on March 18th, 2009 04:29 am (UTC)
I can totally imagine this happening LOL!
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || how to be.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
Hee, so much for Edward's virtue!
bexi21: cutenessbexi21 on March 18th, 2009 04:46 am (UTC)
LMAO. Every time Mike thought "That's what she said," I kept thinking of Michael from The Office. haha

That was adorable in an awkward sort of way. lol Very well written and highly amusing. XD
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || dick in a box.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
Thank you so much :)
Anna: Daniel Galecallmedreamer on March 18th, 2009 05:18 am (UTC)
absolutely hilarious xD
loved it ♥

oh and btw the banner is perfect (:
let's dance, douchebag!: twilight: edward || dazzle.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
Ang.somethingblue on March 18th, 2009 05:26 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHA! I loved it, very funny!
let's dance, douchebag!: rob&ed || bffs.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:37 am (UTC)
Yay, thank you!
martinibaby1: Jasper fucking with your emotions sincemartinibaby1 on March 18th, 2009 07:23 am (UTC)
I haven't read it yet but I already love it. I'm going to read it tonight, after work -when my boyfriend- is around. The banner is great *giggles* and your header is cool *g*
let's dance, douchebag!: r.pattinson || delightful.xshorty24x on March 18th, 2009 09:38 am (UTC)
I hope you enjoy it! :)

Also, I love your icon hehe.
(no subject) - martinibaby1 on March 18th, 2009 08:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - martinibaby1 on March 18th, 2009 08:48 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - xshorty24x on March 22nd, 2009 01:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
rebeccaglass on March 18th, 2009 10:09 am (UTC)
This was really great! The awkwardness was really fun to read! :p
let's dance, douchebag!: twilight || meadow.xshorty24x on March 22nd, 2009 01:17 am (UTC)
Hah thank you! :)